Let's just say, I love to win and I hate losing. You might say, hate is such a strong word but really, I just simply hate losing. Upon hearing this, your first impression of me most likely would be Hillary is a sore-loser or she is too competitive but yes losing really brings out the bad side of me. I agree, I have a really competitive personality and that is what I strongly dislike about myself.
When I win, I feel proud of myself. Winning gives me a great sense of achievement even though the competition, race, test, bet or even an argument I win in may be small. For example, being the champion in a "lets-see-who-can-drink-the-fastest competition".
However, this momentary pride may cause me to become too bigheaded and I may also become too full of myself. When this happens it becomes really difficult to control my actions just as it is difficult to stifle a yawn or blocking a sneeze. My impulsive actions usually make me regret and ashamed of myself, later when this "high" feeling wears off. Some of these actions include boasting, becoming arrogant and everything anyone would have want to see least in a person. I used to be oblivious of this ugly side till recently when one of my close friends said to me, "Hillary, sometimes you think you are good but you really aren't. Please don't make it sound as if you are as good as you said. It really pisses me off." It was what she said that hurt me but at the same time woke me from my fantasy of being just simply the best.
Winning was just as good as getting drunk but the only difference was that it was possible to control my actions when getting that "high" feeling through winning however only made very difficult whereas getting drunk meant you may not even have control over your actions and words.
Losing on the other hand, is the total opposite. I feel really depressed even losing at the not-so-important games, bets and so on. However, in comparison with winning, there is a slight similarity which is; again I find it hard to cover up my overpowering emotions. I always try to convince myself that losing was "no big deal", trying to cheer myself up but I always fall into a state of sorrowfulness which makes people always say I am a sore loser and so on. I try to hide it but it just seems quite impossible. Even if I could, I could only hide it for a short while before I start sulking again.
These are of course, the ugly sides of me that I am ashamed of, these sides I really want to change to become a better person. This is one of my important main goals in life I am currently trying to achieve. It may be difficult but "life isn't a bed of roses". After going through all these obstacles, one would become a stronger and braver person; a person who is not afraid to face their ugly selves and that is someone I would want to become.